How do you deal with a Choice you regret in Retrospect?
This page is a tribute to my parents for allowing me to publish something in Lady of the Rings – Opting for Freedom of Choice that they themselves, for understandable reasons, are not very proud of. In the book, I could not include this because it did not fit within the storyline. Hence, I am giving it attention here online. So this page is a big Thank You to my parents.
Linda passed away at the end of 2001 after being extremely ill for over a year. She had cervical cancer. The diagnosis of ‘cervical cancer’ was given to her at the end of 1999, but after completing the tests in the hospital, she refused the proposed very destructive surgery. I (Wim) fully agreed with her choice. That choice meant that we were completely reliant on ourselves to treat a life-threatening illness – cervical cancer – to hopefully cure Linda from it. This turned out differently than we had hoped, as Linda passed away on December 5, 2001.
One might conclude that we regretted our choice(s). But that is not the case, as Linda and I always have stood behind this decision. Of course we often had our doubts and thoughts, but in the end we always came to the conclusion that we had made the right choice. Call it a gut feeling, or an inner knowledge, whatever… and we lived by this. Yet our choice had consequences. And and we had to take responsibility for it. And it is this aspect of making very different choices that can be very tough, because ‘the world’ will challenge your choice from the start. And everything that comes afterwards will be judged by the choice you made. In such cases it is certainly much easier to follow the advice given by specialists and by most friends and family who usually agree with mainstream opinions.
What this text focuses on is a specific situation during Linda’s illness, in which we were misled, and this also applied to my parents. Linda and I, as well as both my parents, visited a medium who, as it later turned out, was a charlatan: someone who pretended to be a medium but was not. This had very unpleasant consequences for all of us.
At that moment, we let ourselves be guided by fear, which prevented us from thinking clearly and seeing things for what they were. We did not engage our inner judgment, we did not listen to the quiet voice of our Heart. And so we obediently followed the advice of that medium. This blind adherence led to a rift between my parents and us at a time when we needed each other more than ever.
Such an experience is extremely painful to go through.
But it is also extremely painful to later have to admit that we had made a big mistake. We, and no one else, were entirely responsible for that. Of course… the medium should never have given this advice. But the other side of the story is that we acted on her advice. She did not force us! We did it ourselves! That was the choice we made.
After a few days, Linda and I realized that this advice was completely wrong, red alert so to say, and we severed all contact with this medium. But my parents did not see this like we did, and they could not make that shift at the time. So this led to a separation between my parents and us, a situation that caused great sadness for all of us. Later they deeply regretted their choice. Linda passed away six months later without having seen my parents again. That is an example of a choice with significant consequences, a choice that unfortunately could not be undone, like is often the case in real life.
How do you deal with that? What would you do in our case? When you read “The Lady of the Rings – Opting for Free Choice,” you are repeatedly confronted with this reflection: What would I have done?
I wrote this text in its original form in the autumn of 2021, and now as I edit it, it is 2024. For reasons you will understand as you read on, I have left the following (printed in blue) text unchanged, because this text reflects my thoughts of that moment, shortly after the roll-out of the vaccines, when people all over the world were confronted with a important, possibly life altering choice. The global scale of choice-making was unprecedented.
“Currently, humanity is in a crisis that has no precedent in history. People are choosing either to get an injection or not. Emotions are running high, and people are pointing fingers at each other, accusing each other in the belief that the other is making a big mistake. Who is right?
The title of this book, ‘Lady of the Rings – Opting for Free Choice,’ seems to have been written especially for this time, as the misstep that both Linda and I and my parents made in 2001 can also be seen from a global perspective, 20 years later. How did we deal with our health? We were in fear, and we listened to a guru…
How are all people in 2021 dealing with their personal health? Whom are they listening to? There is an unprecedented fear, fueled by nearly two years of non-stop media attention. People receive advises through TV and newspapers that they listen to and almost blindly accept as Truth. Who is right? How do you know you are right? Do you make this decision out of fear? Do you make this decision because everyone else is doing it? Have you informed yourself well? Who is responsible for you? For your life? For your health? Who bears the responsibility for your decision?
You have a Free Choice. That Choice is made very difficult for you, but you do have it. Because one way or another… the consequences are significant. Make use of your choice… and then take responsibility for that choice. And do not blame others for making a different choice.
But… perhaps you will regret it later. That too is part of life. And how do you deal with that?
Well… that is what this is about!”
And my book is all about that. All people who blamed Linda and me for irresponsibly not-listening to specialists now had to make such a choice for themselves. It may not seem to be a choice of the same order of magnitude like undergoing a surgery against cervical cancer or not, but the possible consequences definitely are.
Below follows a part of the conversation with medium Loes van Loon, who plays an important role in ‘The Lady of the Rings – Opting for Freedom of Choice’. Unconditional Love is the true foundation in all our lives. With the help of Loes and her guide Hebenes (whom she affectionately calls Heeb), we are all brought back into that energy of Love, allowing Insight, (Self)Forgiveness, and Strength to face the future to be shared.
At some point in my book, Kevin comes into the picture. He told me a few years after it was published: “Your father is going to give you a great gift. Not such a gift… (he held his hands close together as if to indicate a small fish), but such a gift!” And he spread his arms to indicate a fish that was larger than his arms could stretch apart.
Well… I think that gift is expressed below, given to us by my father (and mother), and also to you as a reader. Because it is not easy to expose yourself to the world about something you have done that you are definitely not happy with. Only by facing your own mistakes can you learn from them, not by denying them or blaming others for them. Only then can you begin to forgive yourself and thus heal yourself.
If you want to spare others from the same mistake that you made, you can choose to tell your missteps to other people, so that they hopefully pick up something from it and do not fall into the same trap. Then your actions become a gift to other people. That is what my parents have done here!
I want to thank them immensely for this wonderful gift.
Below follows a conversation with medium Loes van Loon in which I ask my father, who passed away in 2002, how he would feel if I publicly shared our (Linda’s and mine) and their (my parents) missteps in a book that everyone can read.
And while you read, keep the text written in blue above in mind.
Conversation with medium Loes and my father (2009)
Wim: The book is currently with publisher ‘Uitgeverij Akasha’. They haven’t said yet that they want to publish it. They do want to have a conversation with us.
Loes: Let’s do it.
Wim: That appointment is set. But there is a certain passage in the book that I’m still a bit uneasy about… My mother has difficulty with it.
Loes: About them.
Wim: Yes.
Loes: It is the truth.
Wim: My father has passed away in the meantime.
Loes: Yes.
Wim: I’m also curious about what he says about it. It concerns him as well.
Loes: He is quite decisive about it…
Wim’s father via Loes: You don’t need to air our dirty laundry. The whole world doesn’t need to know.
Loes: Uh… there is also a bit of… guilt in there, a question of guilt. We were misled, that’s just how it is.
And I will ask your father anyway, because that’s the impulse I get from Heeb…
Can you share your narrow-minded view from back then… can you share that with other people? So that other people can learn to be cautious in forming conclusions? You have been so obedient that you have shut your own child… out of your life. Because someone reported that it was necessary. You can blame the other for that. But you also had a choice. So you can’t really let that ‘misstep’, as I must say, go unaddressed, so that other people are warned against such missteps.
Because you stumbled into it, and that is part of this piece. But others can stumble into it too. So you can let your own ‘I would rather not announce to the world that we made a misstep’ be a lesson for others.
My father via Loes: Yes, that all sounds nice, but my wife doesn’t want that either.
Loes: But now you are hiding behind your wife, and we are not talking about her right now, because that’s a separate story. We are talking about you. Your child is asking how you uh…
Wim’s father via Loes: Yes, he says it nicely…
Loes: But it is a clear ‘yes’ or a clear ‘no’.
Wim’s father via Loes: Yes, I am already dead. They can’t do anything to me on Earth anymore.
Loes: That sounds nice, he says, but it doesn’t feel that way, because there is… I feel a piece of shame from you. You have the right to… to keep that or to guard it. I’m not going to push you, but you can actually… Such a misstep can protect another, you know.
It’s just sharing a lesson.
Wim: That is also my thought.
Loes: That is also what I have to say from Heeb.
The intention is not ‘look what they have done to me’. The intention is… and that is what the book is for: Everyone should be careful where they step. Who they follow.
(a moment of silence, Loes consults with Wim’s father)
Loes: Yes, but now you are putting it on her!
Uh, he says: “If your mother agrees, then I agree too, that it should be included.”
But I have to detach it from Heeb, uh… not dependent on…
Loes to Wim’s father: “Because actually, what you are doing now is hoping deep down that she says ‘no’, and then you are ‘the good one’. That is not realistic. Uh… that’s a bit how you are doing it.”
Wim’s father via Loes: Uh, yes he… damn, just go on…
Loes to Wim’s father: No… he sees through you, and he gives me that. You either stand behind something or you are against it. One of the two. So aside from what your wife is going to decide – that’s not one piece, you are two different people – Do you want to share your narrow-minded view from back then to protect other people? Yes? No? That is the question.
Loes to us: Difficult for him.
Wim: Yes, I believe that. We… we too have also completely fallen for it, Linda and I. It’s not just him.
Loes: That is also the function of the book. You must be able to stay true to your own view. You do that.
Wim’s father via Loes: Am I doing something good with it?”
Loes to Wim’s father: You are doing something really good with it! Even if you only save one… for what you have gone through. You shouldn’t see that as a question of guilt. But… it has happened to you! You had a narrow-minded view. You thought… you reacted then from the feeling that you could only react that way and not otherwise. Because you did it to protect your wife. That was your intention. And someone told you that they (Wim and Linda) became an enemy. That it was about your health. So your intention was to keep something whole that you didn’t want to lose. So your intention was not wrong!
Loes to us: Then he says: “I have a lot of trouble with that. We have regretted it.”
Loes to Wim’s father: But then I have to tell you… Your intention was logical and not wrong. Only… by being too obedient, and that is what this is about, you cause so much pain… That of course did not turn out well. And you can feel ashamed, that is a nonsensical profession ‘shame’. Uh, shame means having understood that you could have done it better differently. And then you can throw away the ‘shame’, because the insight is already there, so shame is a nonsensical case. You don’t have to be ashamed. You just, back then, didn’t… You had that colored glasses on. You couldn’t see further than that. That’s all there is to it, right?
But you can… That is a good action to make people aware that they need to keep thinking.
Wim’s father via Loes: Okay, then I want it! And then tell mom why I want it. But for her, it is harder, because she is still on Earth. They can look down on her for it.
Wim: Yes, that is also something… Should I change something about that…
Loes: That he is spared and that she is the scapegoat? (She says this with laughter in her voice)
Wim: No, no… then I would be selling a falsehood.
Loes: Exactly! And then the book is no longer pure. Yet that decision depends on your mother. Out of respect for her to keep whole, you can… Uh, I would keep the story in, says Heeb. Without a doubt. Only you can remove the placement of the words ‘father and mother’, replacing them with ‘beloved people we were close to.’ That is what you can make of it.
If your mother absolutely does not want her name as mother to be recorded like that, then I would keep the story in, because it still stands that there is a guarantee where you keep thinking for yourself. Then you do not undermine the story. You can call them ‘loved ones’, you are not lying about that, it is still true.
Wim: I also have something else in mind. I would actually, if they are so central to the whole story… and if my mother agrees, I would like to include something at the front of the book as a thank you to my parents for allowing me to share this very difficult piece in which they at that moment…
Loes: To share this whole piece to protect others. That is also your father’s intention now. He also wants you to tell your mother. But he says: “For her, it is harder, because she is still on Earth.”
That is true.
“But still,” says Heeb, “If your mother absolutely does not want it, then change it to ‘loved ones’. Then the story remains intact. We hope she will want it, but we cannot control her.”
Wim: And I don’t want to do that either.
Loes: But the intention of the story must remain in it. It doesn’t have to… but that is what the book is about, boy, says Hebenes.
“It is an anti-charlatan book,” he says.
Okay? So talk to your mother about it and discuss it… and let her hear this. And that it has been discussed with dad. Then she will understand how he feels about it.
Your parents have not built up a question of guilt. That is how they experience it. They were misled and allowed themselves to be misled out of fear. The fear has done them in. And you were dragged into it. In fact, they loved you very much, worried about you. That is clear. And that is certainly in the book… Heeb says: “You can even tell your mother ‘you say it and I will write it down for you… how did you experience it.’
And then she will certainly mention that she has missed you tremendously all this time and has worried and didn’t know what to do with it.” And if that is in the book, it becomes real and manageable for her again. Because now it seems in this piece that they have abandoned you, but emotionally that was not the case. They allowed themselves to be led by a guru who was a false prophet. And fear confirmed that.
So let her hear this piece and then she will understand what we are talking about and from there she can make a decision. And your mother is also a sharing woman and wants people to be protected from such malpractice.
But… no one wants a sticker on their forehead. And your mother does not deserve a sticker on her forehead. Love for you has always been there. And that must certainly be added to the book.
Hebenes via Loes: We are happy with this book. People cannot be warned enough.
Wim: That is nice to hear.
Loes: It is also a beautiful book, you know. I have read it. A beautiful book.
Your father now asks me: “And what did you think of us back then?”
Then I have to chuckle, because I have the tendency to tease him a bit, to say: “Bastard! (she laughs) How could you do that!” But that’s not how I am, boy. I mean, I’m just teasing you.
What I thought was: Gosh, how terrible. That people take advantage of the trust of others. That was the piece it gave me. Not for a moment did I think, goodness, how stupid can you be? It was precisely because of the trust you had in that person that I felt sad that someone abused the trust you placed in him so much. That is how I read it.
So certainly not ‘how could they do such a thing?’ I understand very well that if you completely trust someone, and entrust your soul and everything to them, that you follow them. Where it later turns out that it was not the right path. That is very logical. (…)
Loes to Wim’s father: No, of course I don’t think you are a bad father! (with laughter in her voice)
Wim’s father to Loes: And my wife, did you think she was a bad mother?
Loes to Wim’s father: No, I found her to be a fearful mother. That’s what I’ve read. And experienced. Not a bad mother… a fearful mother. A lot was also said. I mean, come on!
Wim: And he (Wim’s father) helped a lot to overcome that fear continuously. I really see that as the value of my father.
Loes: “That has to be included!” he says. (She laughs while saying this)
He laughs at a bald chicken, and then I see one with feathers. So the feathers too, right?! The bald chicken, okay, but the feathers behind it.
Side note from Wim: I never told Loes that my father used to keep chickens and even won prizes with them.
Hebenes via Loes: With this, we are sure that your child will preserve that for you in the book. So that chapter will be expanded a bit. Talk to your mother, let her hear it. Your mother will choose what is right. But nowhere has your mother been a non-mother. Your mother was a fearful mother. And she has suffered a lot from that. A time was taken from them, by someone who had no right to do so.
Just when people place their trust in you, you must remain very integral and aware that words can carry a lot of weight. You can’t just handle it casually as if you can just say, “You should do this and that.”
You speak of strong bonds. So the miscommunication, if we want to govern it that way, lies with the person who spoke and not with the obedient one. Okay?
But that has caused a lot of pain, also for you. And that is something that must remain intact. And that was the case.
Wim: Yes.
Loes: But worked out and understood. That has to be included too. That is also true. Okay? Just talk to your mother about it. And give her time to think about it. How she sees that as a fulfillment. Whatever she chooses… that is a respectful way to follow that. Because she is still alive. You can never just put a name in a book without permission. That’s just how it is. You can do it, but it’s not right.
Wim: Yes, you’re saying something there. I haven’t mentioned other people by their real names, or I’ve camouflaged them a bit. But it’s not that you feel that there are people mentioned in the book who… that can’t be?
Loes: No, the book is integral. Just as it happened. So it is integral. Truth is always integral. And you know, a name change… for us readers, it doesn’t matter if someone is called Heeb or Harry, because they don’t know those people anyway, so it provides a… sense of safety. And name changes are a secured aspect. Only when you mention the word ‘mother’ or ‘father’…
But talk about it. Talk about it. Both your parents had a wounded heart from that phase. Just as you and Linda did, because Linda has been quite angry about it, she says now. At one point, she said, she was done with it. They can figure it out themselves. “And when you need them, they are not there.”
Linda has really been angry about that. She knows what was going on, she says. But yes… now in hindsight, yes.
“Stupid,” Linda says about it. “Stupid. That was stupid!”
She says: “I can’t find that sad; it was their own choice. Let’s be honest, so I don’t experience it as, oh, how sad that they went through that. It was a choice, and they made the wrong one, that’s how I see it. But uh… oh. Should you keep whining about it? she says. After all, it’s about what happened then. And now everything is fine again…
“But I would never have done it that way,” she says.
Loes: And then I have to tell Linda: “But you weren’t in their shoes either. Because you were also very obedient and did what you thought was supposed to be done. So you, from that obedient factor… should understand that, girl. I have to say that to you from Heeb.”
Linda via Loes: I would never…,”
Loes to Linda: You’re saying that now. You weren’t in their shoes. You also followed a guru who wasn’t a guru. And made that the highest good. Okay. The parents too.
Linda via Loes: Yeah, yeah. I get you! (Loes says this with a clear laugh in her voice).
Loes: It comes down to the fact that we shouldn’t draw conclusions about people. Right? Who are we to conclude that another, in any way, at any time, decides? Many decisions, including those of your parents, have stemmed from fear. And fear is a very strong gauge. It is always a misleading factor, but a very strong one. Every person who is in fear does things that you later say, “How could I have said or done that?” Every person. So your parents really have no reason for feelings of shame… Nonsensical thoughts.
And in hindsight, we all know the big picture. They reacted as they did. Due to circumstances.
I chuckle at Linda.
Linda via Loes: I hate it when someone else is right. (with a laugh in Loes’ voice)
Wim: She’s not used to that.
Loes: She hates it, she says, when someone else is right. She chuckles about it, but she means it. She feels that she finds it annoying.
I hear her thinking: Yeah, it is true.
She’s doing well. She’s really doing well.
